A Song For Milly Michaelson
by Zii-Lawliet
Summary: Castiel's thoughts about God and Dean, what he thinks when he searches for Him, and what he feels about the hunter. A short songfic, song by Thrice.


**For you, Lammii ! **

**The relationship between Cas and Dean, and moreover, the withering relationship between Cas and God, how he feels about finding Him the more he spends time with Dean. **

**DISCLAIMER : Supernatural does NOT belong to me, meaning Castiel and Dean Winchester obviously don't belong to me either. It's all Eric Kripke :) and the other people that make SPN. AS WELL, the title of the story is the title of a song by a band named Thrice, and the bolded italicized words are lyrics from that song. That doesn't belong to me either. **

**Enjoy :) ****  
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**A Song For Milly Michaelson **

The air was thick and smelled fouler than it did where the Winchesters lived, and Castiel wouldn't mind it were it not for his vessel's acute sense of smell.

His eyes scanned the barren, scarcely populated landscape that looked bloody beneath the crimson sun.

Hands stuffed in his pockets, his fingers enclosed over the oddly shaped amulet attached to an oval of thin black rope, almost convincing himself that he felt a surge of…well, _something_, run through his veins after touching it.

_Give me strength_, he thought, realizing after a moment that it was to no one in particular.

**_- Here we go -_**

Should it have been a surprise that, yet again, He wasn't in the place the angel thought He would be?

A part of him broke each time he was struck with failure, but then a part of him shamefully loved the journey between each country, the way the wind would thrash at his powerful wings, the feeling of rain droplets cooling him down.

It was the only freedom he had left. He missed it; he missed possessing the power to know everything he needed to. In heaven, things had been so much simpler. Listen, and obey.

But then came along Dean Winchester. Castiel would love to say that the unruly hunter was the worst thing that happened to him. Actually, there was a time that he _did _think that.

He couldn't say that anymore.

**_- Hold on tight and don't let go -_**

Cas always waited.

Exhausted, disheartened, and always… waiting.

He searched so long and so hard, knowing that once he succeeded, everything, _everything _he had done, all the pain he endured, would be worth it.

But was it so wrong that all the things that were supposed to be worth it, was not what he _wanted_?

That all he wanted to do… was to stop searching the skies and to go back to the one person who understood him the most?

Yes, surely that was wrong. So wrong.

He was _supposed _to be doing this, supposed to be finding and waiting, waiting for his Father to show up, to help.

That was the right thing to do.

So why did the angel feel so compelled to do what was wrong?

Cas sometimes felt the golden necklace burn, and he knew that He was _so close… _

And then, He was gone. Just like that.

_Maybe you should just accept that he's not on Earth._

Dean had once said that to him, a remark stated late in the night as Cas lay with his hand on the hunter's sweat-beaded chest, his chin resting on his shoulder, his body bare.

He refused to believe that idea then, and he knew that Dean mainly said it to keep Cas there with him, even though he would never admit that that was the implication.

But now; the more he travelled, _failed_… the more he would believe it.

He constantly told himself not to lose faith. Constant letdown didn't leave much room for faith, though.

_Why? _The angel would exclaim into a perfect night, far away from any person he knew, where nobody could hear him, and nobody could hold him.

_Why did you let me be a part of this insanity? Why did you abandon me?_

Tears, a sensation Cas was not used to and would never like, would cascade down his flushed face with help from the whipping winds.

He would fall to his knees, his head upturned to his home, his mouth slightly agape.

_Why did you let me love someone else more than I love you?  
_

**- ****_I won't ever let you fall -_**

Whenever Cas was away from Dean, he would rely on his memories. He knew his Father wouldn't approve, but at this point he couldn't really bother to care to block out recollections of some of the most amazing moments Castiel had ever had.

When he would get tired of a country, Cas would embrace his human side and sit; and would simply tilt his head back.

Would let his mind drift back to the first time he and Dean had sex. In fact, Dean had been the first – and _only_ – human he had ever had sex with. He wasn't planning on changing that anytime soon.

_The angel didn't think that it could get any better than tonguing. _

_Apparently he was wrong. _

_Dean had led him into the bedroom that the Winchesters were in that week, and luckily Sam had gone out for the evening. _

_The hunter was breathily kissing Cas; they had done that enough before for Cas to respond in a way that tickled Dean's fancy. _

_And then, Cas' trench coat was suddenly off. He felt strong fingers fumbling at the buttons on his shirt, and the next thing the angel knew, there were no clothes on him. _

_And then, as if things couldn't get better, Castiel was then staring at possibly the most beautiful human form he had ever laid eyes on. _

_Dean lay him against the bed, letting Cas' hands roam over his unexplored areas. That was when Castiel noticed his…rising soldier. And things just got better and better from there._

Castiel couldn't help but let a small smile form on his lips.

_"Cas," the hunter was growling just minutes later, pressing kisses to his angel's face between thrusts. _

_Castiel took hold of the nape of his neck, his fingers working into the soft brown locks while he pulled Dean into his lips. _

_Dean's hands were on either side of Cas' head, clenching the sheets in his whitening fists as he pounded in, stomach ablaze against the angel's, his dick harder than it had ever been. _

_Castiel was contently beneath him, his hand on the small of Dean's back to help push him in further each time he rocked his hips forwards. It would sometimes drop down, subconsciously on Cas' part, to the hunter's firm ass, which would only make Dean groan even louder. _

_The angels' eyes were closed, sinking into a deep state of bliss with his lips slightly agape, sighing and drawing short breaths each time the hunter hit the spot. _

**_- I love the night - _**

Cas thinks that Dean thinks that Cas doesn't know just how attached he is to the angel.

_"Don't go," Dean had said before Cas' current excursion, as he said every time that Cas announced that his search for his Father must continue. His guttural voice laced with brokenness. _

_He tugged on Cas' hand lightly, hoping that it was enough to keep the angel with him and away from harm. Cas wasn't exactly on Heaven's A-list right now. _

"_I must," Castiel replied very matter-of-factly. What Dean doesn't know is that Cas never _wants_ to go, never wants to leave him. "I'll be back soon. What is the expression? '_Before you know it'_?"_

_Dean couldn't help but smile at that. The fact that Cas tried to incorporate phrases that Dean used in his everyday life into his own dogmatic sentences were, to say the least, adorable. _

_He nodded in response. "I get it. Just… be careful, okay? Don't be afraid to ring me up if anything, you know, happens." _

_Castiel's lips were still, but his eyes seemed to be smiling. "I shall, Dean." _

_The eldest Winchester pulled the angel into a kiss, rushed and familiar as Cas' mouth automatically opened to the taste of the hunter. __  
__And just like that, Cas had disappeared. _

Their kisses are never chaste.

_- _**_Flying over these city lights -_**

Castiel adored the skies.

It was the one place he never felt judged, was never misunderstood, his one place of solitude.

As his feet touched the ground, however, he noticed how the overwhelming feeling of getting back to this familiar country intensified each time he came back.

By now, he could safely say that it might just be overriding the feeling of flying.

Castiel can't say that he's particularly attached to Earth. He's seen much better, obviously. But there's a sense of nostalgia, now, when he's on it; whether that's all Dean's fault or not, he doesn't know. The angel forever has a connection with the self-destructive planet.

The angel made his way towards the somewhat familiar yard of old cars, the one that Bobby Singer owns, and he immediately sees what he wanted to see so badly.

The hunter's silhouette was visible from a distance, bent intently over the impala. He was clad in a black t-shirt, the day too hot for him to be wearing the worn leather jacket that was once his father's; Castiel could see his arms flexing as he worked, twisting knobs and hammering this or that, sweat glistening on his face.

The angel couldn't help but smile, an action that he had only learned after spending time with the eldest Winchester.

Castiel walked towards the black car, trying to take his time but ending up moving too fast, never remembering how his silent ways shocked Dean every time.

"Cas," breathed Dean after a minor jolt of surprise, squinting under the bright sunlight and wiping grime off his face with a cloth. "What are you doing here?" Obviously, he was expecting Cas to be gone for at least another few weeks, if not longer.

Castiel's eyes locked with the hunter's green ones.

"I decided it would be wise to come back."

Dean let out his familiar laughing scoff, his voice husky, warm, and put a hand on the angel's shoulder that lingered much longer than one would say it should have.

Cas didn't mind in the least that there would be a noticeable grease stain on his trench coat afterwards.

Dean's touch began to heat up on his shoulder, a sensation that the angel was still confused by.  
For a long moment, a moment that seemed everlasting to them but would probably be a few seconds to a bystander, they simply stood and looked at each other, Castiel's eyebrows furrowed slightly and Dean's lips parted just a little.

"Welcome back."

**_-But I love you most of all -  
_**

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**It'd be appreciated if you reviewed :) **

**- Zii**


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